The Lessons From Shame

So it has been about 6 months since I created this Blog and as is obvious I haven't expanded upon it until now. Many things have happened in the past 6 months, ups and downs, joys and sorrows, failures and triumphs, and through it all I can still say God has kept me On The Potter's Wheel. It hasn't been in the ways I was expecting and many of the ideas I have had for this Blog have yet to manifest, life has a way of throwing curve balls that can cause you to swing and miss at hitting what you were after. I lead the Blog off with the idea of trying to learn to skate again, and I still have been kicking around that idea, but as much as I truly wish I could get back into it, finding myself starting a new job, I don't know if that would be the most wise decision. Last thing I need is to break my leg or ankle and not be able to walk at a job where walking is a must lol.

However, while I may not have gone down the path of taking on new adventures yet, God has definitely been putting me On The Potter's Wheel in many other aspects, and I would like to dive into one of the things He has been opening my eyes too and guiding me to understand and overcome. It is something that I have discovered has grasped, influenced, and kept me under bondage for my entire life. Something that has been and is at the root of many of the negative behaviors I have projected over the years. In fact, having come to understand some things about this has caused me to want to create another Blog and Ministry that I am hoping to eventually get off the ground as well, because I realize this isn't a me problem, or a you problem it is a human problem.

The thing I have been lead to realize by God that has been a major component of how I act, of what causes me to do many of the things I do not want to do, that has lead me to treat others so terribly in my life, that I can see affecting people all around me, is this hidden, in the shadows, never addressed monster called Shame. Shame is more than just a feeling, Shame is more than just a word, Shame is more than just a thought. I have come to understand Shame as being an active force welded by the one who hates us all, to keep us in bondage, fear, anger, mistrust, and is used to prevent us from living, acting and loving like the one who cares for us all.

Once I came to realize and understand the complexities of Shame, what it is, how it operates, how it affects us, it was like this lightbulb just went off. It was like holy crap now everything makes sense as to why I am the way I am, and that is because I have been in the grips of Shame for longer than I can remember. It was by God's Grace that I was led to understand what Shame is. My Pastor recommended me watching a video of his counselor who talked about shame to a group of addicts. I will link the video because everyone needs to watch it, but during that video he mentioned a book called the Soul of Shame by Curt Thompson which changed his life and was the guiding principles of his speech. When I watched the video it impacted me greatly and I immediately read the book which went into great detail about those things he spoke about in the video.

There are only a few things I can say that are life changing moments for me, and I can tell you waking up to understanding Shame, that video and book have been life changing moments. I highly recommend watching the video and reading the book for yourself but I want to give my view and understanding of the dynamics of Shame here for a starting point of those who happen upon this Blog. The way you may think of, or at least I used to think of Shame was that it was just one of a huge box of emotions and we engage with it briefly here and there and move on from it as we do many of our other emotions. We get angry at times but we move past it, we get sad at times but we get past it, we get afraid sometimes but we get past it, we get happy sometimes but we get past it. Usually emotions are these feelings we experience but eventually return to a normal emotional level. I had always thought as Shame as being in that same vein.

However I have come to understand that Shame is not just an emotion, but Shame is an active agent that is continually influencing us at every moment once we come under its grip. Shame operates in the dark, not wanting to be exposed for what it is because it is that exposure that begins to weaken its strength. Have you ever thought of how Shame manifests itself? Have you ever pondered what Shame is and what its root is?

I never did in the past, but I am here to relay to you what I have come to find out about how Shame operates and I am going to lay out for you through my Personal Life how it has come to entrap me, and how it has caused me to be a complete and total jackhole to almost everyone I know or care about. If you read the intro to this Blog I said it is going to be a Personal Blog, well I am about to get down to some highly personal details of my life, I hope you buckle up for the ride, it could get bumpy.

I can't get into the tiny details, read that book if you want to know about this aspect, but Shame is not only an emotion, but it is a neurological response to stimuli in our lives. Our brain takes an event and then marries it with the emotion we call Shame and then begins a process that is all at once Physical, Mental, Emotional and Spiritual. Shame is deeper than a thought, it is deeper than an Emotion, it is deeper than a Spiritual aspect, it takes it all and combines it into a Physical response and neurological pathway that completely reroutes how our Brain processes information. As I first said Shame is an active force, it is it's own independent identity that has buried it's way into all the facets that make us human and it's primary objective is to destroy us and keep us from thinking, responding, acting, or feeling in a truly loving and relationally healthy way to not only others but ourselves.

I am going to start by giving you examples I have come to understand from my own life as to how Shame is created, manipulates and then destroys, and as I know this is a human problem I believe many will relate. The biggest driving factor of Shame in my life has been with zero doubt my relationship with my father. Now I don't blame him anymore for what he has done because I recognize that Shame is passed down from others to others. In the book they sum it up simply by saying, those who are in Shame, Shame others, and nothing could be more true.

My whole life in the relationship between me and my father has completely and totally revolved around him casting Shame on my every thought and move. He was a great father in many ways, he has always been there in the physical way of providing, but concerning anything emotionally or spiritually he has been nothing but a negative influence. As an example of how our relationship operates even to this day, as a child if I would bring home my report card and I had 2 As a B and a C, and I would try and point out the As to have him try and build me up he would ignore that and point out the Cs and tell me I need to be better. If I attempted to do just about any task my way on my own he would either come by and tell me I am wrong and point out why it wasn't done properly or even worse come up behind me and redo it.

If I say something about a movie I like he will tell me why it's not that good or will bring up a movie that is better. I mean the list literally can go on and on and on and on of ways and times in which my father knowingly or unknowingly has continually cast Shame down upon me, and every time that Emotion is felt, it is paired with a Physical Neurological Response and when those things are combined it has massive and negative dramatic effects on ones psyche. This life long bombardment of Shame has caused me to feel as though I am ultimately a completely terrible and horrible human being that can never be deserving of anything good or love because literally everything I do, think, and say is wrong and bad.

Having this constant Emotional, Mental, Spiritual and moreover Physical warfare in your mind body and soul is not only terribly exhausting but causes one to react to every situation as though all people, all activities are eventually going to result in that horrible pain of Shame and thus you develop all these defensive tactics to try and keep that all at bay. Because of my Shame I had evolved to at all times be ready to destroy, hurt, and go to combat with anyone I met. On my first meeting with people my go to move was to instantly try and Shame them somehow, make sure that I would strike first and therefore I wouldn't be as vulnerable to be hurt by them. Of course that is stupid but I think everyone can understand it, it's like a wounded animal in a trap, even if someone is coming with the intention to help it, because it's been hurt so much it instantly lashes out.

In the past I could recognize that I would do these things, but I never could understand why I would do it. Deep down I really truly want to be nice to people, to love others, to care for others but I wasn't capable of truly doing that because I was totally immersed in Shame and the fear of rejection that Shame causes that I could only react to everyone and everything in these negative ways. I with zero doubt believe that Shame is at the root of just about every Sin. That it is Shame that causes us to act like total monsters to one another. It is Shame that causes us to hate ourselves and others, that causes us to hurt ourselves and others.

We all have a tendency to look down at those who are homeless or drunkards or drug addicts, but have we thought of what it is that is causing them to be trapped in that state? I can guarantee you that Shame is the #1 component that has them in the place they are. When we are engulfed in Shame we will do whatever it takes to try and numb that awful Emotional, Spiritual, Mental and Physical pain. Some resort to drugs and alcohol, which in turn amps up the Shame and creates that cycle of bondage. Some turn to sex and end up giving themselves over to any and everyone in hopes of overcoming Shame that again turns into more Shame and creates a cycle of bondage.

Some turn to anger and violence, taking their Shame out on others to make them feel better about themselves but again it ends up making them feel more Shameful and end up in that cycle of bondage. Some manipulate, stir up drama, and attack others Emotionally to overcome their own Shame, which eventually makes them feel Shame for their actions and the cycle of bondage continues. Shame is a nonstop force that brings all of us to become monsters we all say we aren't , that we all try and hide, but we all know deep down is true.

So maybe you are realizing the reality of your own Shame and the power it has had over your life. Maybe you are recognizing why you have been trapped in doing things you never thought you would do and continually doing them even though you want to stop. When I came to that place all I could think of is, HOW DO I OVERCOME THIS SHAME!!!

The first step is to actively recognize it for what it is, if you can not get to the place in which you can identify what it is, how it has control over you, and begin the journey to understand how Shame has been placed and manifested in your life, then you will forever be under its control. As I said before Shame lives in the dark corners, Shame pops it's head up like a guerilla fighter to drop a bomb then escapes unseen as you start fighting everything else besides it for the damage caused. Shames' primary power is it's ability not to be recognized, because as long as you refuse to acknowledge it, it can wreak havoc in your life unattended and forever.

Some may say well since Shame is essentially just you thinking you're bad, just start thinking more positively about yourself. That seems reasonable until you come to grips with the fact that Shame is not just a thought or a feeling that you can just think your way out of, it is literally a Physical Entity that resides in the brain that has attached your Emotions to literal Neural Pathways of your thinking. There are only 2 methods of overcoming Shame, and one is way more difficult than the other.

I am going to give you the easy one first, and that is to begin to have experiences that rewire how you think. In other words look to go have experiences that reshape the Neural Pathways to cause positive emotions to be attached to positive actions. It is literally doing the opposite of how Shame was manifested in your brain. You had negative feelings constantly being attached with how you have thought of yourself and others and thus Shame became the active force in your thought and emotional life.

A way to combat that is to go have positive experiences that shape and frame your thoughts and emotions about yourself and others in a positive way. That is a huge part of what this Blog is going to be about, me going out and beginning to have these positive experiences so that I can rewire how my brain thinks and processes emotions and the way I react and think of myself and the world around me. While I have yet been able to truly seek those things so far due to circumstances I have been dealing with, I know that as far as tasks go in trying to overcome Shame that is going to be by far easier than the second aspect that is needed.

There is one particular Emotional State that Shame is 100% tied to, while Shame acts as a catalyst in driving just about every Emotion especially the Negative ones like Anger, Sadness, ect, there is one Emotional State that Shame is actually trying to keep from being brought into the forefront. Shame is happy to bring Anger to the forefront, Shame loves to bring Sadness up, Shame loves to amplify Worry, but there is one Emotional State Shame is actively trying to hide and cover up, to be bigger than so you never actually consider or live in it. That Emotional State is Vulnerability.

You read that right, the Emotional State that Shame never wants to be discovered and understood, to be grasped and lived in, is complete and total Vulnerability. It is such a mind blowing revelation to realize, to recognize that the greatest way to combat Shame is to be as Vulnerable as possible as much as possible. And let me tell you that it is exceedingly harder to do that than to have fun to rewire your brain. Shame and Vulnerability dance a twisted dance, being Vulnerable opens you up to being hurt, Shame lives to activate all the other Emotions to at once defend and trap you in the pain of being hurt. Shame and Vulnerability both ride in the car of Fear, we are afraid of being Vulnerable because we Fear being hurt. Shame doesn't want you to be Vulnerable because it is afraid of being exposed.

What I can tell you is this, there is no way to overcome Shame unless you are willing to start down a path of opening yourself up and becoming Vulnerable, and especially being Vulnerable about your own struggles with Shame. No one wants to admit or believe they are living under the control and bondage of Shame. No one wants to talk about where Shame has taken them and caused them to do. No one wants to talk about their faults and failures that have been one of the driving aspects of the Shame that has been created in them. No one wants to talk about the abuse they have endured that has given rise to the monster of Shame that resides in them.

And Shame actively knows this, depends on this, and works to keep us from ever having the fortitude to step out and be Vulnerable enough to tell others all about these things, because Shame knows that once we get to that point, once we open ourselves and be totally transparent about these things, Shame begins to lose it's power and grip over us. Even as I write this, and think about being Vulnerable I can feel the Fear and Anxiety rising up. I can feel the Shame trying to activate every part of my Emotions and Thoughts to never reveal these things about myself. I can feel the Shame preying on my insecurities, telling me right now just think how stupid you will look, think how people will make fun of you, think of how weak you look talking about this stuff.

Yet I have the resolve at this time to be as Vulnerable as I can, to tell everyone about the things that happened in my past that created my Shame, to tell all the horrible things I have done under the influence of Shame, to take responsibility for every single negative word, thought, and action I have done as I allowed Shame to act it's vitriol out in my life. I read another book, one I highly recommend about being Vulnerable by Brené Brown called Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live. In it she points out that even though our thoughts tell us when we step out to be Vulnerable we are going to be seen as weak, stupid and people will make fun of us, the opposite is actually found. Instead of people seeing us as weak and stupid and then making fun of us, most of them actually see us as Courageous.

My thoughts and emotions which are being manipulated by my Shame are telling me never send this out, my intellect being refined through this journey tells me I need to send this out and hope as many people as possible read it. Not that I think I am Courageous to speak about such things, but because I know this act of Vulnerability is another nail in the coffin of the power Shame has over my life.

As I come to a close on this post I want to leave you with a thought and an idea, one that God has stirred in my heart to be the basis of a Ministry I hope He will Bless and give me the opportunity to walk out in the near future. To this point I have spoken of Shame mostly about its effects upon us Mentally, Emotionally and Physically, however there is a much deeper aspect to it that resides in a Spiritual place. This isn't the space to get into this fully but as I have been studying, reading and praying concerning Shame and Vulnerability God asked me a question, one I have never in my life even contemplated. Do you think I am Vulnerable? The question is, is God Vulnerable?

I've asked a few brothers at Church this same exact question and it is interesting to see the reactions they give. One brother, whom I love dearly, projects himself to others as a very strict Christian, very by the book, very unemotional and when I asked him he almost seemed to get offended that I could think or ask if God can be Vulnerable. I asked another brother who has been through some things in life, who has shared these things publicly with the Church, and he said he hadn't really thought of it but he might possibly see it but not really. I finally shared it with my counselor who has been on this journey with me and he said probably yeah.

It's funny because that is exactly how I reacted in succession in a very short time frame after God asked me if I thought He could be Vulnerable. My immediate thought and response was are you kidding me, God can't possibly be Vulnerable, He is God, that would collide with His Nature, He is perfect nothing can get to Him, nothing can hurt Him, He is above all things at all times. And as I was thinking these things, God turned my attention to Jesus Christ. When my mind began to think on Jesus, I was overwhelmed and flooded with the true answer, the definitive answer.

Jesus Christ opened Himself to humanity in a way no other human being can possibly imagine. God showed me Jesus, walking down the road to Calvary, being beaten and spit on. He showed me Jesus hanging on the Cross completely naked, totally open to all the terrible things all of Humanity could throw at Him. Jesus Christ stepped out and went to a place of Vulnerability that none of us can possibly comprehend, and He did it knowing that He was going to be completely and totally rejected by everyone and even would have His own Father turn away from Him.

There is no doubt in my mind what the answer to that question is, yes God purposefully became Vulnerable and He did it so that He can overcome our Shame. It is my hope in my upcoming Ministry to relate to others through our shared Shame, and from that place give to them the real way to overcome Shame and that is by knowing who Jesus Christ is and what He has done to triumph over our Shame.

I hope that whoever you are, if you have read this far that God has stirred up something in you, something to get you to recognize the power Shame has over you. Something to get you to understand why you turn to Sin and the cycle you find yourself caught in. Something to get you to step out and open yourself in Vulnerability to begin to defeat and overcome that monster of Shame. And more than anything I am hoping that you come to the place to recognize who Jesus is, and what He has done, and the lengths of Vulnerability He has gone to so that you can be freed from your Shame.

I will leave you with this quote from the Bible:

Hebrews 12:2 Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Jesus turned the Shame of the Cross into our Joy, and I pray that we all turn more to Christ so He can turn our Shame into Joy….

I love you all, have a great day and blessed day in the Lord!

If you need prayer or anything else please feel free to reach out to me and I will help you the best I can and if I can't help I know one man that can, this man named Jesus!

Disciples

Are

Continually

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Peoples

Living

Existence